2018 in review…

Even for a Health and Wellness Coach almost Nutritionist…life can have it’s ups and downs..

This year has been no different expect the downs have been plentiful for me this year…

The year started with a downward spiral– mom was in and out of the hospital a lot more- than the year prior in a few short months … she was spiraling down with pneumonia/COPD– the pneumonia just won’t go away. At the last visit she was in a coma for a few days…then a week later she was home with a home nurse…. by 05/10/18 her body, mind and spirit just let go of this physical realm. She ended up passing away at home around 2pm… since then I have been grieving and trying to go through the process while still working full time, go to school full time, raise a child and help my spouse who has been disabled since 2011….

Some days I was on automatic and just trying to find my way out of the fog. I still am 7 months and 18 days later… life as I knew it will never be the same. My mom was and still is my best friend. She was my first best friend and even though my spouse is also my best friend…she always was too. I miss her daily.. and will for the rest of my life… sigh.. I know at some point she gave up, she spoke about it and in her last actions of refusing to go back to any hospital was her stand and choice for what came next… she knew… she was in pain and wanted it to end… we talked about it when I took her to her doctor appointments.. of course I begged and pleaded with her not to talk or feel that way…because I love her so…… and at the same time she told me in words and actions that she was just tired.. doesn’t make it hurt less…the hurt is still there … along with the what ifs or what could I have changed or did differently.. or should have done– spent more time with her etc… the list goes on.. and until my last day.. I will never be the same.. it’s a new normal that is forming.. not one I like but one I will live with….she would want me to live the best I can…

In the year we have also celebrated holidays, birthdays, anniversaries….

In July… we decided to continue trying for a 2nd child through IVFs.. since numerous IUIs haven’t worked since 2016… those were difficult  and trying … and yet not the result we were looking for occurred… See I have PCOS and Hashimoto’s disease along with age working against us…

It took us 7.5 years before our miracle child– which no doctor thought I would ever be able to have a child…. now 7.5 years later we thought may be it would have worked by now especially via IVF since IUIs didn’t… and of course it hasn’t. Did this the first 7.5 years too… Highly frustrating and emotionally draining.. and some say we are crazy since still dealing with our lost to continue forward with this.. but I know my mother would have wanted us to continue on and that she would have been mad if we didn’t. She was all for it when we went back to the fertility doctors in 2016 since naturally wasn’t working for us from 2012 to 2016… she was our biggest supporter….

However we are currently on a hiatus from fertility treatments… because we only have one last viable frozen embryo and my insurance will only cover one more IVF… sigh.. We’re still hopeful about this and at the same time realistic– meaning we are lucky enough to have our one child and if that’s all we are deemed to have then so be it… It’s not the way we thought it would go and it’s not a means of giving up…it’s just us being honest to our selves… and even though this path may not be fruitful for us in having a 2nd child… it doesn’t mean it won’t be for someone else… there is always hope ..we still have it…it just may end up being something else for us….it may look like something completely different than what we imaged.. and that’s okay too..

Lastly, we have been working on figuring out how to minimize our lives… we are trying to figure out how to lower our consumerism while also living with less debt and not chasing money …to actually live a life that’s worth something… while also being true to who we are… this started in 2011 when my spouse was in a coma for a week or so… didn’t know if he was going to make it… so when he did ..we made plans.. and those plans of course changed etc.. Well, the plans we started out with has evolved back into a life like we had before he was sick– mortgage, bills etc… and it wasn’t actually the plan we had after he got sick… so we are working on figuring out how to be mortgage and rent free, less bills, less consumerism and more living life with traveling, creating and being a happy family/individuals…we also want to be in the here and now.. We have a game plan and we are working on it since July/August… we have moved forward with a few steps  and we are hoping to put them into further action in the coming year (2019)…. fingers crossed we can… it’s scary the changes we are looking at making but as long as we have each other …we can make these changes happen… Eventually more will be posted about our journey with “minimizing” or downsizing our lives… just not sure how to post about it yet.. it will come to me…

Well, that has been my year… it hasn’t been a bed of roses but at least I have woken up everyday…. it’s at least a start… here’s to 2019… no resolutions…just making changes that work for myself and my family..

Please share your 2018 highs and lows— never know …someone else may just need to know they are not alone with the same or similar trials and errors in life.. because even if you feel alone.. you don’t have to be…

Many blessings,

Linnette

Health and Wellness Coach

5 Elements Coaching

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Dealing with the lost of a loved one…

Mom and Linnette 80s(Mom and I– 1980’s)

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It’s been almost 2 months since my mother past away at the age of 61– she was my first best friend, my first confident.. she’s the one I fought to help live through the illnesses and pain she endured for the past 10 years… and I miss her terribly everyday… the mourning of her physical being is daily… doesn’t stop..not even in sleep..

They say that grief and loss has stages– and yes there are many of them…

1. Denial and isolation;

2. Anger;

3. Bargaining;

4. Depression;

5. Acceptance.

And no… People don’t grieve in that order and each person will experience grief and loss differently…  which can make the process feel so lonely…

I know in the cycle of life a parent is suppose to go before their child.. and even with that said you can never truly be ready for it…

I just wish I had a few more years.. I wish she wasn’t in pain and the illnesses didn’t come for her.. that life was kinder and easier for my mother… that she was older when death came for her while she slept peacefully.. it would have been kinder to a person that was so loving, giving and wonderful.. it was the least she deserved… because she deserved so much more…

A love between a mother and a child is FOREVER. She will always be in my heart and I will always see her in me … in my child… just not her anymore…

People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I’m not always sure how to answer that. It depends on the day. It depends on the minute. Right this moment, I’m not okay… it’s a holiday and it’s quiet without her. Yesterday, was better for me and well, tomorrow, isn’t here yet so we’ll see. Most the time I just say I’m lucky I have pants on… cause believe me there are days I feel the “fog” around me so thick that I just don’t think I will be able to breath..so I just muddle my way through and am thankful I didn’t leave the house naked…

See I thought I knew Grief through the lost of our family furry four legged children.. and yes those moments of loss were very hard…. and still I have learned even more about Grief through this lost than I thought was even imaginable…  because Grief is different for every experience in life. It is a force that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own time table with no rhythm of reason. Grief does not stop when you have plans or life obligations. Grief comes whenever, however and how often it wants to– in the middle of sleep, at the food store etc. and it’s heartbreaking to the point where normal everyday function wants to cease but I push forward…

All I know is that I hope where ever mom is.. she’s proud of me and watching over us.. that she is no longer in pain or bothered by illnesses. I won’t claim to know where she is because that’s not for me to know yet… I do hope one day that we will meet again at a grand table in the summer lands with the rest of those I love… until then I will love my mother forever….

Much love during a time of grief..

Lexie

5 Elements Health Coach..